Thinking Out Loud

So…I haven’t been writing for a while.  Other than the weekly tandem blog I have written nothing.  Nada.  I’ve had this huge block stuck in my brain.  If I’m honest I’d say I’ve been in my head for the past few weeks.  Morbidly thinking.  Thinking morbidly.

I’ve been thinking about the decisions I’ve made in the last two years.  Were they good for me?  Were they not so good?  Career-wise I’ve always been a bit of a risk-taker.  I was younger then.  Now I’m in my thirties and life happened.  Dreams and priorities have changed (and I have some amazing dreams…).  In many ways I have changed.  I definitely am not the bright-eyed and bushy-tailed twenty-something that I once was.  Where once I could’ve (and probably rightly so) been considered a cynic I am now definitely a realist.  I need a storyboard or planner with figures for everything.  Did someone just decide that when I turned thirty the switch had to be turned on?

The most visible change is definitely in my body.  I’ve never been skinny, but…I don’t know if I like all the extra padding I have been sporting  for the last few years.  It would be fine if it actually kept me warm during the winter nights.  It doesn’t though.  That makes it utterly useless.  Then I find myself hoping against hope in the summer months that the heat would simply make it melt away.  But it remains…without fail.

When I was about twenty I had a five-year plan (nothing like Stalin’s).  I was going to have my first album recorded and in distribution by the age of twenty-five.  That never happened.  I did record two songs, though.  I still sing, but only at church.  I decided many years ago that God gave me the gift of song so I would use my voice only for Him.  So every Sunday I’m up on the altar with my team whilst we lead God’s people in worship.  That’s good enough for me.  In fact, I consider it a huge privilege.

I wanted to be a gazillionaire by the time I reached thirty.  Well…I’m not one…and that’s fine.  However, I see myself creating a business with Husband Dear soon.  That excites me.  I’m obsessive.  He’s compulsive.  This has to work.  Imagine…building something for our “someday” kids.  Should be amazing. But first…we need to crunch some numbers.

The people I have in my life now are the same ones who were there ten years ago.  With one or two additions and subtractions.  I feel it’s important to know who’s got my back.  Been back-stabbed enough times to let it willingly happen again.  So I choose my friends wisely and keep my unit intimate.  It’s like my mom says, “You can be friendly with everyone, but not everyone is your friend”.

I’m thankful that I’ve always enjoyed my own company.  Most days there’s a royal party going on in my mind.  I crack myself up.

Anyhoo…I’ve been rambling…but that’s okay.  Sometimes a little ramble is good for you.



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2 thoughts on “Thinking Out Loud

  1. Ahhh I know that parties in ones head! It’s the bestest. 🙂

    I’ve long since discovered that planning is an integral part of life, what with K3 and many other aspects. What still sucks is when things don’t go according to our plan but then I realize again and again that God is in control. Not easy when dreams are shattered at times and we have to admit defeat. Great nonetheless when we see God’s plans come to pass.

    1. I’ve learnt that God’s plan is always perfect. I see the dips as little reality shakes now. They’re only there to shape and make us stronger. We are never forsaken.

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